Blows the dust off!!

Well not been about for six months, because... well thinks were ticking on nicely. I reached target weight in time for my 40th birthday and I then continued to maintain a healthy weight in a healthy way, so all was good :-)

As Christmas approached I felt confident that I would continue in this way with a few treats thrown in. Through Christmas I kept to my usual healthy breakfast, most meals were on plan and low syn. My downfall was the boxes of chocolates and nibbles around and about the place. At first I was fine but after about five days it all went to pot and I found myself picking food up as I walked past without paying attention. That's the bad bit you see, ever since I started this I have been mindful of what, when and how I eat. Not in an obsessive way just mindful. Eating without paying attention meant I few things - yes I put on a few lb (7 to be exact) but that's not the issue. What I did was pump my body full of more sugar and processed food than it had had in the previous 11 months and that felt awful. My energy dropped, I felt sluggish and generally rubbish and when I realised what I had done the old guilt kicked in.

For a few days I ate more as I figured the best way to get rid of all the unhealthy food in the house was to eat it all really quickly. A stupid mix of not wanting to be around it, but having been brought up to not waste food is an evil combination. But after two days sanity kicked in and I made a real effort to get back to my normal diet. I was horrified as to how hard it was to get back off the sugar roundabout as my energy dropped and I resorted or wanted to resort to a quick high of chocolate or something.

Rather than a cold turkey I have just slowly dropped off chocolate etc and upped fruit. I am now back to five bits of fruit a day. Now I have returned to healthy eating 2lb has gone the rest will follow, but I'm not bothered about the scales (still feels odd typing that!) Yes I weigh myself to keep an eye on things but that's it. Energy is much more important to me and it's getting better but not fully back yet. System still feels a little sluggish but again its getting there. I feel like I poisoned myself! I have many friends who talk about sugar being addictive and just how made it is for you but this is the first time I have physically felt it like this.

Not sure how I will balance it next Christmas but am determined to learn something from this as I really don't want to go through this again.  New Year doesn't mean a new start, just going back to what I did before because it works for me.

Body image..

No pleasing some people eh? I have now been target weight for nearly three weeks and I am happy... well kind of. When I am wearing clothes I am happy, there are a size ten and the swish nicely, nothing is tight or pinching. I will admit to a moment of disbelief every time I try on a size ten and even doing a little dance in the changing room! But if I am honest when I am in the shower or getting dressed I cant really see any difference. Logically I know this could be a good thing because it means I have lost weight all over and my proportions have stayed the same, for example my cup size is still the same even after losing four inches around the chest.

But I guess a small naive part of me was under the illusion that losing the extra weight would create the perfect body (yeah I know that doesn't exist!) I will admit I haven't exercised nearly enough during this process so it make sense there are bits that need toning. But it leaves me with a feeling of disappointment with myself that the initial excitement of making target has lessened in this aspect. There is an aspect of my brain catching up - But I feel a little dumb saying that as I have only lost 1.5 stone which is hardly the huge kind of life changing amount compared to others I have heard about. But no matter I guess thinking habits take longer to catch up.

Don't get me wrong I am really happy and I have broken too many rules for them to start getting to me now. Maybe I need to get a bit more used to really seeing my body for what it is... not what I think it is. This has been a huge issue over the years and has annoyed many a close friend or partner. I have tried to explain that it isn't that I think they are lying to me when they say I look thin, good, slim, pretty etc etc its more that I just don't see it, I don't get it. I genuinely struggle to see my body as others do, and I am hopeless at comparing myself to others - by that I mean if you had a line up of woman of differing sizes I would not be able to pick out the one the same size as me. On average I will liken myself to someone about two sizes bigger, so with that in mind I have tried to focus on the numbers (on the scales and on dress labels) as they are facts so if I focus on them the irrational thoughts have no power.

That's the theory! Just need to focus on those facts a little harder sometimes, but awareness of my weak points is a good place to start. My new wardrobe is another good point I have some lovely new clothes (new to me, they are mostly second hand) and I feel good wearing them. There is still a habit to put on jeans and a t-shirt when I am not doing anything 'special' and save nice clothes for best. But then I don't to much going out and 'special' things so a load of lovely clothes don't get worn which is dumb! So without going to the extreme of wearing a ballgown to Tesco's and can and should wear a nice skirt some days, just because. I am going away next weekend and although its a relaxed time away, I plan to wear only lovely clothes - and stop being so boring and practical when it comes to clothes.

Wardrobes and emotions

Having now hit target weight and bitten the bullet and got new jeans (that actually fitted) I decided it was high time I went for the full wardrobe clear out. I don't want to be one of those women who has a range of sizes in her wardrobe to allow for all eventualities anymore. I am at a fit and healthy weight and I know how to maintain that so see no reason why it would ever go hugely back up again (with the exception of falling pregnant of course!)

Yea Gods that was a tiring and emotional task thankfully my lovely hubby was very supportive and offered a sane external perspective. You luckily when I put weight on there was no denying some things didn't fit as I couldn't physically get into them. But now I have lost weight I can still fit into those bigger clothes so in my head I think they still *fit* me.... This makes me a size 10-16 which logically I know doesn't make sense. Hubby was very good at telling my which clothes look like I am wearing a tent and over the last three days have gone through everything - even pants ;-) This has left my wardrobe with hanging space to spare, which is bizarre when you consider I am normally someone who has to squeeze everything in and fears the day when all the clothes I own are clean and ironed as I know they wont all fit in!

I hated this process and found it very upsetting as so many of my clothes I get sentimentally attached to - who bought them for me - where did I wear them - how they made me feel about myself etc etc. This is the first time I have ever got rid of clothes that I still adore and desperately want to wear. I have four skirts I am praying can be taken in somehow though the task is way beyond my skills, I'm hopeful more skilled sewers will say 'No problem'

Here is the dress I tried on last week and was then sent back to buy. Very different style to that which I would normally go for, but I liked it. Today I also went to get a couple more bras and took the opportunity to pick up some new basic t-shirts and vests, as my summer wardrobe is now non-existent! You see after the wardrobe I decided to keep going and took down my summer wardrobe boxes to go through, 99% of things in there were a size 16. I know it sounds a bit dumb but I hadn't really realised I was three dress sizes bigger this time last year until I saw those clothes.

So its all a bit odd now, I'm not sure what to buy or what suits me as for the first time in years I feel ok wearing fitted clothes (ok still a lot of firming up to go in certain places) but I'm not hiding under floaty smock tops, in fact they now make me look bigger than I am rather than being flattering in any way.

I cant get used to picking up size 10, but I am feeling happier with what I see in the mirror and I have a little wiggle in my walk back - ahhhh confidence where have you been eh? So now to buy a few bits to fill the gaps such as smart work clothes, without breaking the bank. Most of the clothes will go to charity some to friends and some on eBay to try to fund some new clothes so everyone wins in that case :-)

Time for bed now.. which makes me realise that all my PJs are two sizes too big for me now - yet another thing that needs replacing - never knew getting fit cost to much money!

Mission accomplished!

Well I have done it, target weight has been reached and in 14 weeks I have lost 19.5lb and am now smack in the middle of a healthy weight from my height, sex and build. My BMI is 22.5 right in the middle of the healthy band - I know a lot of people think BMI is a load of rubbish but I think it is a good indicator and I do use the proper calculation method using waist measurements etc not the one where you just go height+weight. I am just over the halfway point for healthy weight for my height according to the charts in my CBT workbooks for my eating issue and I am at the weight my therapist and I debated as a sensible place to be.

BUT - the most amazing and important bit for me is I have got there in a healthy way. I now eat four - six bits of fruit a day, a huge amount of veg, lean meat and I meet the daily requirements for fibre and calcium. I feel great :-). I expect to get a little confused as I now work out how to balance things so I stay this weight and don't drop anymore. Although I know I wont stay this exact weight now I have got here and achieved what I set out to I am happy to go up and down a few pound as normal people do. Part of me thinks I would like to lose another 4lb to get my weight at a round number, but stopping here and getting used to this is more important than anything else.

I don't think I have posted about this yet - skip if I have! But last weekend I finally bit the bullet and went to but some new jeans as the only thing holding my jeans up these days is my belt, I figured I must be a 12 now. Imagine my surprise when they were also loose and I fitted in size 10 jeans! Not squeezed in very comfy, I don't even need to wear a belt with them :-) Two days later I was back at the shops to try and find another pair of jeans.... and to make sure it wasn't a fluke! lol! I also went right out of my comfort zone and picked up a fitted shift dress (not a style I would normally go for) Well the jeans fitted and so did the dress ;-) I cant remember the last time I was a comfortable size 10, over 15 years I think! I took a photo of me in the dress and when I showed my lovely hubby he demanded I go back and buy it! I'm doing that tomorrow *grin*

I feel like a whole world of clothes has opened up to me because I feel confident enough to go for looks I would have been to shy of before. But this achievement comes with the financial implications of having a wardrobe pretty much full of size 14 clothes! So I guess I'm going to be having a bit of an eBay blitz to fund the refit!

So I'm happy, relaxed and have just enjoyed a little bit of Green and Blacks chocolate, I would have  a drink to celebrate but I'm a lightweight and I have work in the morning!! Thanks for all your comments and messages of support, I thought I was a little crazy doing this at first but it has really helped me.

Comments...

In general I have had amazing support and comments about the physical effect of my healthy eating and how I have got my head straight about food now. But over the last week or so I have started to get comments from a couple of people saying 'You aren't going to lose anymore weight are you?' or 'You will look to thin if you loose more weight' and 'You look nice and slim now, but don't loose anymore' Now these comments have been from work colleagues who don't really know me, and a supervisor who does know my history.

Well as it happens I'm pretty much at the weight target I set myself back in January and as peoples weight naturally goes up and down a bit I expect that on occasions I will be a couple of pound lighter than I am right now - likewise a couple of pound heavier and I'm fine with that. I am happy if not a little surprised (pleasantly!) when I look in the mirror.  I am starting to settle into being where I have always wanted to be but never thought I could be, and as you have witnessed I have done it healthily and happily.

But how these comments are made has a bit of an edge I don't like, not sure if its them projecting their stuff onto me, or whether they know my history or not they think I look like the sort of girl to go to far with this sort of thing? Or maybe it is genuine concern? Not sure... But I am sure its weeing on my parade right now!

I do know that no matter what weights I naturally end up bouncing between, it will be a continuation of this healthy process and therefore it wont go 'too far' I know my the medical opinion of my minimum weight and I have no intention of going anywhere near that. For now I am going to relax a bit, ignore the comments and enjoy being right here, right now :-)

Catch up!

A pretty major thing happened a few days after the last post and I wasn't able to write about it at the time, and now its kind of been processed and forgotten. But I want to try to revisit it for my own reference.

The weigh in after my lovely weekend away and dinner out was a bit of a shock as for the first time since I started this plan I put one pound on. Now logically I could see that was not a lot and as some people have said 'I can wee a pound!' I could also clearly see from my food diary that although I was within my weekly target of 'syns' I had about double the syns I would normally have. So I knew 1lb wasn't a disaster but I was interested in the emotional response I had which was fear. I wasn't exactly sure what I was scared of. I knew that going back on plan would have that pound gone again as quick as it had appeared, I think I was scared of not being in control - I was technically still on plan but I put weight on so now the plan doesn't work.

I said in the meeting I was ok with the gain... and I was at that point. When I left the meeting I had the weekly shop to do. Why do I always seem to end up in supermarkets after a wobble?!!? Anyway I found myself in the Fruit and Veg section thinking 'If I eat nothing but fruit this week it will go' After I had picked up about five things the realisation that I was over reacting *just* a little hit me. I'm so thankful my logic kicks in so much faster these days. I took a deep breath and put a couple of things back and continued getting the items on my shopping list. I had a good week but not an extreme week there was even chocolate in there on a few nights! ;-)

Sure enough next weigh in I had lost that pound and it had taken another pound and a half with it. I was very pleased to be back on track, but it was a real test for me to not over compensate over the whole week and I did it! Very proud of that. It has also given me an insight into how life after I reach target will be. I understand everyone's weight goes up and down by a few pound naturally, but how will I actually cope with that? I have questions on the technicalities of it as if I keep doing what I am the weight will keep going down and I am pretty much at a point where I want it to stop now. I will continue to eat as much fruit and veg as I am as I love the benefit of it too much. Maybe I can have more syns to keep stable? I'm sure it will be explained to me in class.

But I am pleased I had this experience as I have (as usual) learnt from it. I think it would have hit me harder if I never put any on during the time I was attending meetings but then once at target it I gained - that would have been a bigger deal for me I think. I am still in control as I chose to have a relaxed week and I knew what to do to get back on track. No starving, restricting or over compensating

So yet another new challenge just around the corner how to relax it a bit, not freak out or become obsessed and stay a healthy weight in a healthy way. Interesting times ahead.

Eating out

On Saturday I had a big post therapy test - my first meal out. Back when I was in therapy we decided on a tactic of having one course where I am mindful of what I am eating and its ok if I take the 'safe' option *but* I had to have whatever I fancied for the other course. Good balance and no uncomfortable extremes was the idea.

As far as the healthy eating plan goes they say set yourself a limit of syns and stick to that. Don't change your eating habits on the days before or after to compensate either. So spoke to my consultant and decided to set a limit equal to four days worth of syns. I did my research before looking at different food on the website so I had rough ideas of what value different foods may have so I didn't go in totally blind on the night.

I decided I would have a main and a dessert, but then saw a starter that sounded fab so chose that as well! Here is what I ordered

 Starter - Asparagus wrapped in Parma ham with a poached duck egg and Parmesan shavings on a bed of rocket with an artistic drizzle of balsamic glaze. It was as amazing as it sounds really loved it, the glaze was stunning and I haven't had duck eggs for years. There was a little bit of grizzle in the ham which normally freaks me out and I am unable to keep eating, but I calmly separated it and put it on the plate and finished the rest loving every mouthful

Main - Fillet steak with chips, mushrooms and a grilled tomato, in a choice of sauces. As far as I know I have never had fillet steak as it is to expensive for my pockets, but darling hubby said I could go for it! It was amazing without a doubt the nicest steak I have ever had and worth every penny. The chips were only about ten in number and served in a little pot, big chunky and perfect with the steak. The mushrooms I think were cooked in butter again very tasty and went well with the steak, however I left the tomato as the taste just didn't work. I did ask for mine without a sauce as I wanted to really taste the steak, but hubby's ordered the same with a red wine sauce which came in a separate gravy boat. I took him up on his offer to have some and was able to pour a little but not drown the food. I might as for sauces to be served like that in the future so I can control how much I want to have that day.


Sadly the picture of dessert hasn't come out, which is a huge shame as it was by far the prettiest of all the course. Never mind I shall just have to try to describe it. Dessert was my 'have what you want' course and I ordered profiteroles as we had them the first time we ate there and they were lovely. A little different this time as they came on a shortbread biscuit, but as before they had vanilla custard inside and no chocolate sauce over the top, just a little to hold the stack together and then dusted in icing sugar. I let darling hubby have one *giggle* but had the rest all to myself.

Oh and the red wine we had with it was stunning - I am so thankful since being pregnant I can drink red wine again without falling asleep after ten minutes! I had half a bottle and felt a little light headed that night but very heavy headed in the morning!

What was the most amazing about this evening was I felt no nerves or guilt, I was excited about ordering food, enjoyed it more than ever, talked about it discussing how it tasted and what I liked. It felt like the first time I had ever eaten out, and if the experience of eating out can be like that I'm gonna do it more often! Hubby said I was like a different person as well and its great that others can see the change in me.

I was pretty sure I had stayed within my allowance that night but out of interest worked out my syns as best I could and I was well under. So I knew what I was doing and felt confident with the food I was ordering. It was a great success. I know it must sound a bit daft to others but it was such an amazing and positive difference for me I am still excited now, things have really changed for me and food. Never going back, things are better now than I ever dared hope they could be.