Tuesday, 5 February 2013

Health not weight ... health not weight...

Trying to keep that going around my head at the moment, but struggling to focus on health. As I have said before it is impossible to separate my relationship with food and my body issues. I had a hope of how much I had lost in the last two weeks since I was weighed and I found out this morning I didn't loose as much as that.  I am struggling to stay focused on the fact I have eaten healthily and well and *still* lost weight without resorting to any of my past bad habits.

I cant allow myself to become obsessed with ever pound I want to loose, the weight loss has to just be a happy side effect of me gaining and maintaining control over my old rules. Way way easier said than done, I have looked at what I have eaten and can see exactly why I haven't lost as much as the first week. I have eaten a little chocolate most nights last week (still well within the plan) but eating that instead of fruit in the evening will have slowed things down. Now I *need* to be ok with that, and I am partly, but not fully. I know why I wanted the chocolate (had pmt) and I chose to treat myself to chocolate, it tasted good, I enjoyed it and there was no guilt at the time. I'm not going to spoil that by feeling guilty now.

Food continues to be colourful, but it is easy to slip and not have as much fruit and veg as ideal. I am going to try to be more mindful this week about the balance of different food groups. Lunch was extremely lovely and will definitely be made again.

Roasted sweet potato (drizzled with a little maple syrup!) on a bed of spinach and green lentils

 Even more spinach for dinner! This time with chicken and butternut squash, seasoned with cumin and coriander. I am surprised how many different herbs and spices I am using as they have always been a bit of a mystery to me and I normally just play it safe and add mixed herbs!

So I am prepared for the morning with leftovers from today's lunch already packed in my lunch box, with a banana and a cereal bar I have no reason to pop into the tuck shop at work and pick up a chocolate bar.

Before I started this three weeks ago I was having 3 or 4 chocolate bars a week (Snickers, Double Deckers etc) Now that isn't a huge amount but I wasn't even noticing or enjoying them. What is the point on having something that isn't hugely healthy if you are not even enjoying it!? Crazy eating. Now when I do have chocolate it feels special, it feels a treat and I notice eating it and boy do I enjoy it! That's a really good shift of thinking. 

So onwards and upwards to the next week


  1. I wish I could get inside your head, and find the bit that thinks you don't look just fine the way you are. That bit that thinks you need to lose weight is the only part that I would change about you - because, dammit, you are utterly beautiful, and look amazing. You always HAVE looked amazing, and always will.

    I want to take the scales away from your life forever, so that you cannot have that down moment of not losing as much as you thought.
    None of this should be about how much the figures on a scale read, none of it at all.
    I want to teach you that weight DOES NOT MATTER.
    The same way that you don't think any less of me for my weight, I want to be able to teach you to think that way about yourself, but I don't know how.

    You are one of the most driven people I know, and one of the hardest working - and I think you need to remember to be kind to yourself.

    PS - you never lose as much weight the 2nd week as the 1st. It's nothing to do with being your fault. It's just your body settling down.

  2. Thank you honey,

    I'm slowly finding all the threads of that part of my head that thinks I'm not ok and beating them with a very large stick! They are getting smaller, the thoughts getting quieter and they will go. I think most of what I have now is habitual negative automatic thoughts and its gonna take time to get out of those habits, but by golly as you say I am a driven person and enough is enough! It is frustrating that I'm so down on myself when my opinion of others weight is so relaxed, as you say I dont think any less of others. Why such unachievable standards for myself?

    I have managed to do without the scales between weigh ins which is the longest I have gone without them in far far to many years and I hope to extend that period over time. My goal is to *know* I havent put on a huge amount of weight and not noticed by focusing on my clothes and how they feel and fit.

    As for the weight loss difference, I am disappointed but not upset or devastated. Another small step in the right direction!

    1. That lot needs more digging into your wee head than I can do on a web page. *grin*

      Yes, you ARE going in the right direction, just remember it's baby steps, and don't push yourself too hard.

  3. Body acceptance is tough. Not sure if this is your thing but movements like Health at every size and sites like Shapely Prose have been very helpful to me. Learning to accept and love your body no matter what shape and size.

  4. Not heard of that, I shall look into it. Thank you X