Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Breaking the rules

The day started with less putting off going into the bathroom than yesterday, but still feeling very uncomfortable about the scales cold turkey. I missed my weekly meeting this morning due to seeing my counsellor and I'm dreading another whole week before I know what my weight has done. After getting washed and dressed I realised there had been a slight disaster as I had forgotten to take my portion of frozen berries out last night so had nothing to pop on top of my Weetabix.

Normally not having access to what I feel is a safe food option would make me panic, but I wasn't as bad as I have been in the past. I looked around the kitchen, got my food guide out and had the usual Weetabix and Almond milk topped with a toffee Muller light, banana and a little cinnamon. Not as good as the berries, but a very acceptable and yummy substitute :-)

I had a great session with my counsellor and we discussed me being discharged in a month or two, once I have continued to stay stable and also had some relapse training as well. Fab news :-) Today was all about testing my rules and I have begun with the one that is effecting me the hardest right now, and that is this one.

 ‘Eating enough to feel full means I will get fat’ 

I have now been set the task of pulling that rule apart with these following five questions.

1 – Where did I learn this rule?

2 – Where and how do I play it out? How do I know it is there?

3 – What are the consequences of this rule?

4 – If someone else who you cared about had this rule how would you view it?

5 – How can I change it into a healthy functioning rule? What behaviour could I change?

Now I'm being pretty honest and open here but I am not going to publish the answers here though I may touch on some points it brings up in the future. I just wanted to share the process of hunting for evidence and checking the validity of faulty rules and assumptions. However if you want to chip in some thoughts to question 4 for me I would be interested in you comments.

Lunch was some more of the soup I had yesterday but I added some very pretty star shaped dried pasta and had a starry soup. Pretty healthy food that made me smile :-)

Dinner tonight was rice (a measured portion for one) and a portion of Ratatouille. As I hadn't had all of my Healthy A extra I crumbled 30g of Feta on top. It left me feeling very full. But was a good test of what it feels like to eat a proper portion and I am now focusing on what this point of full feels like.

It's a big shift in perspective for me and without the scales to back up my thinking around the above rule I am not making life easy for myself. I'm also due on this week, so will be retaining water and that will make me feel bloated. I know over the next seven days its gonna get worse as the sensations in my body are going to be screaming that my rule is correct. I just have to follow the healthy eating plan and hang on until next Tuesday when I can finally find out where I stand. I really dont do things my half do I? Oh well I'm too stubborn to back out now!

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