For various reasons (stuff not in stock and forgetfulness) I have been to two different supermarkets in two days. I really hate going into those places, I distract myself with the nice sections first... Oh look clothes.... stationary.... music...home ware.... and then I can’t avoid it any longer and I have to hit the food sections (Cue dramatic music! Well in my head anyway!)
It feels a little silly to say but I have been scared of food for a long time, how sad it that... I listen to ‘foodie’ people talk passionately about a recipe and part of me is jealous they get that much pleasure from the whole experience preparing, cooking and eating. I just go into a bit of a spiral of ‘but what about that bit? Can you use that? Isn’t that bad?’ etc. Which in the past has made preparing meals a hellish task, but I am getting more excited about it now, especially as I feel I am beginning to really understand what ‘good’ and ‘bad’ food is. Yes ok I know food isn’t really good and bad it’s all about moderation but you’re in my head now and this is how it works. I have grouped food as ‘good/bad’ for as long as I remember but my grouping system is another highly dysfunctional rule. I have the obvious ones Apple = good and Chocolate = bad. But I tried to make them absolute rules and then things get confusing and made no sense to me. I hated it when things got messed up like Apple = good, but Apple pie = bad.
But my ‘good/bad’ rules got worse over the years as I began to define my rules of good and bad from others behaviour. The people I met, what I saw them eat and their body shapes and comparing to mine. Now my body image is totally screwed I have been pulled up many times by saying I am the same body shape/size as someone only to have whoever I am talking to go ‘What? You are nothing like them’ So this is another screwed perspective to add to the list, and this one is proving harder to fix as although I know what I see in the mirror is not what you might see... well.... are you sure? It’s not that I think my family and friends are lying, it’s just the two images really don’t match up.
Before I continue, I want to really make the point I am not passing judgement on others and what they eat and how they live their life. I realise that it’s going to sound judgemental no matter what I type here as at the end of the day I am comparing myself to others and well.... most people would see that as a judgement. It is more like I am looking around and going I don’t like that haircut or that hair colour, I’m not saying short spiky blue hair is wrong – I’m saying I don’t want short spiky blue hair (quietly prays I haven’t just offended any people with short blue spiky hair!)
Where was I before all that.. Oh yeah *deep breath* Supermarkets. Once inside a supermarket I constantly scan others trolleys the rule as always been if I see an overweight person with something in their trolley that I have in my trolley I take it out. Now I suppose there was some level of logic if their trolley is full of chocolate cakes but far more often than not they would have something like a bag of salad. So my screwed up thought process now wants me to take the salad out of the trolley... but salad is good... but that person is over-weight... but but... At the other end of the scale I see a thin person with nothing but a chocolate cake and an apple in their trolley suddenly I feel a surge of excitement as this person must know the secret to healthy eating look at them they look great! They have invented the chocolate cake and apple diet! You can see why it used to take me hours to do the shopping!!
I constantly judge myself against others and no matter who they are and what size they are I will find something that I am unable to live up to and put myself down for. I know no one is perfect * but where as I am happy to accept that others are not perfect, applying that to myself is a little harder. Did I say little harder? It’s a lot harder, one of the hardest parts of this challenge
However things are changing, this week I noticed I didn’t go off my shopping list once. I stayed focused and I didn’t look in others trolleys (apart from the one that had a very cute toddler going ‘chaaarge’ in it!) I didn’t go down aisles I didn’t need stuff from and I got to the checkout and felt happy about everything on the conveyer belt. Another good step for me, it was also quicker, less stressful and less stressful. So maybe supermarkets don’t have to be that bad.
Oh and before I go....Lovely hubby has hidden the bathroom scales today. I admit I had one last quick weigh this morning but that was it and as I am missing group this week in order to see my counsellor so I won’t know what impact my healthy eating is having on me for another nine days. I am feeling very anxious about that, it is the longest I have gone without weighing myself in approximately 18 years. Crumbs. I just need to remember to trust the system and know what I am eating....
*Except maybe the girl who invented the chocolate cake and apple diet!