Thursday, 24 January 2013

Difficult day

Today has been more of a struggle than before I think I over did it on risotto rice and now I feel stuffed and fat, which is a sensation that triggers the kind of thought like 'If I feel this fat having eaten healthy food I may as well give up and stuff my face with chocolate' which of course leads to 'sod it I will give up on the diet now' behaviour. Which I am fighting hard mainly with the logic that I am due on in a few days (sorry if that's TMI for some of you) This makes a huge difference to how my body feels - water retention etc. So I am hitting my 'give up now' gremlin with a big dose of evidence. I know from looking at my food diary and I know I have stuck to plan so I have not put on half a stone in the last 24 hours (which is what it feels like).

Another rule I am trying to break is weighing myself everyday, and I have got a lot better over recent months (down to two or three times a week). This is a particular one connected to my daughter as she has already started standing on the scales at the age of two. Now ok at the moment to her its just a game, you stand on this thing and it flashes and then some numbers appear on the screen. But I cant let her grow up thinking that is normal behaviour. I have a 'weigh in' once a week at meetings and have been advised to not weigh myself at home as scales differ. They aren't kidding! There was a 3lb difference between theirs the first time they weighed me and this leads to another rule of mine. I ONLY ever weigh myself first thing in the morning - after a wee - before any food or drink - naked and with the scales in exactly the same place on the floor. Yeah... bit obsessive eh? I am still coming to terms with being weighed clothed and after breakfast, its a bigger deal than I thought and makes me very uncomfortable, but if this was an easy ride I would have faced it years ago.


Now I'm not a confident cook and I don't know enough to make things up. I have been really thrown by the recipes I am using that keep using ingredients in an odd way. Today I tried 'magic pancakes' (see picture) with involve soaking porridge oats in yogurt over night then beating in eggs before you cook them. The bubbled when I cooked them and I think they looked like a cross between pancakes and crumpets. They tasted nice though :-)

Oddly (well its odd for me) I am enjoying taking pictures of my food. Partly I am proud I have cooked from scratch, I am amazed how colourful it is but mainly to remind myself during weak moments that all the chopping, peeling, and cooking creates great results. I don't want to go back to eating tons of freezer food, I am really proud of myself for not eating highly processed junk anymore.

Some things I have cooked I have really had to look twice at the recipe to make sure they are healthy and I'm not getting the system wrong. The best example of this is chips, roasted peppers and eggs. I mean look at it it doesn't look like it should be healthy! I also amused myself by realising I had plenty enough syns to treat myself to a table spoon of ketchup and not feel bad.

I really am befuddled (in a very good way) that at times I am eating food that I would normally regret, feel guilty about or take restrictive action as a consequence of eating it.... But that hasn't been here for over ten days and that is an amazing development. Guilt free eating for over a week is the kind of too good to be true aspect of this experience that makes me worry it isn't going to last. I so pray I am wrong on that one.

Right onwards and upwards, I'm off for one of my daughters chocolate crispy cake a smile on my face and not an ounce of guilt *huge grin*


  1. I'm trying to understand the feelings you describe in the first paragraph. Most people give up on diets because they feel hungry, why would feeling full make you want to give up?

    Feeling full is a good thing, if you feel overfull, then you just need to get a hang of portion control, it is easy to feel stuffed on this plan as it's designed to be filling.

    I use that to let me skip meals on days where it's not easy to space out three meals, but if you want to avoid it you need to learn to put less on your plate, and to be able to leave food you don't need, and as someone who has struggled with both of those I know that's much easier to say than do.

    The pancakes look like the ones I told you about I do with oatbran, but the advantage of using the bran and not whole oats is you only need to soak them for a minute or two. If you use fat-free fromage frais rather than yoghurt you need even less time, and they end up thinner, but they are still more like american pancakes than french crepes.

    1. When you put it like that I admit wanting to quit because I feel full does sound crazy! This is one of the dysfunctional thought processes I am trying to break. For 20 years feeling full has meant I have eaten too much I am going to get fat and I need to take action against those feeling (i.e. get rid of the food I have just eaten) I do realise that my idea of stuffed is likely to be another person’s full. My perspective of too much food is off normal as well. I am weighing lots of food at the moment as I try to learn what a healthy portion is.

  2. The only way to do this is to literally forget everything you have ever taught yourself about food. Those ideas have been born out of fear and bullying, plus more than a pinch of rebellion, and a whole bucket of low self esteem, so they will be skewed.

    Put your scales AWAY. Right away. You don't need them. Get James to put them somewhere that you don't know about so he can get them if you need to weigh suitcases for a flight, but no Cat weighing outside of class. I have seen girls who weigh themselves 10 times a day, and make themselves so miserable. Scales are NOT what you need, because weight isn't what this is about.

    You can do this honey,, it's been a long battle, so you are making fabulous progress!

  3. I agree, and I think hiding the scales is a very good idea, I need to learn to trust myself with food over the numbers on the scales. Hmmm as I have typed it the reality of not checking the scales has hit me...... that is really not a nice feeling. Which makes me all the more sure I need to do it! Oh well thats my next rule to tackle, the power of the scales!!

    1. Get James to hide them, as soon as you can. You do not need them. (Tex has just bought some new ones, and I don't really want them in the house, but hey ho. They are for him and C, not me.)

  4. Hey, it's great to hear that you're making yourself happier. Even if you sometimes have a bad day, it's got to be progress. Well done Cat