In my first entry I said this blog was not about ‘how to lose weight’ what I meant was this blog will NEVER be a ‘do what I did and you will be thin and life will be perfect’ sort of read. If my words inspire someone in any way that’s amazing but you make your own life what it is. I now understand it is impossible for me to not focus on my weight as I write as, well it is woven into my relationship with food. I have been really touched by the messages people have already sent encouraging me to keep going and how they are interested in what I am saying (I’m gobsmacked to be honest). Someone said it takes a lot of guts to put myself out there in this way. I am positive that if I wasn’t at a point where I had pulled apart all my rules and believes on food and found them to be dysfunctional to say the least I wouldn’t be doing this. Some I haven’t spoken about yet I am a little embarrassed I used to stick to them so devotedly, but if I don’t admit to them, they may sneak back into my sub-conscious and re-emerge one day without me noticing. Instead I am going to publicly name and shame me past behaviour, ridicule it, pick on it and laugh at it so it can never returns as a serious belief.
.... I must be mad!
So next on my list is those bathroom scales...
The subject of weighing myself came up in comments to my last post and it really got me thinking. I used to weigh myself everyday and depending on what they said would dictate that day’s food intake to an extreme. Excuse me for repeating myself from yesterday, I worked really hard to make sure I only weighed myself once or twice a week... Ok sometimes three times a week. But my daughter has seen me do this and now insists on standing on the scales as well. Now I know to her it is just a game you stand on the platform and the screen flashes and numbers appear (she loves counting) Even though she doesn’t understand what she is doing it breaks my heart when I see her and was one of the final straws for me in making a stand and getting this sorted once and for all.
I get that the scales at my meetings are more accurate than mine at home. I hate that they weigh me in my clothes *shudder* For longer than I can remember I have weighed myself naked – first thing – before breakfast or coffee – after a wee! So in order to stop getting confused between the two differing weights I should no longer use the bathroom scales and only be weighed in meetings. Lisa suggested I get James to hide them.... at this point I suddenly felt a surge in anxiety – not having access to scales when I want them makes me very very nervous. It surprised me it was such a severe reaction, but that means I know I have to tackle it. So I will ask my lovely husband if he can hide them somewhere, I’m honestly not sure how I will feel or more importantly how my behaviour will change and find ways to compensate... but to say the least I’m nervous. The most obvious reaction for me will be to start restricting my food as I can’t know for sure the effect what I am eating is having on my body. But that’s the whole point of this I need to put those fears to one side and trust that I now know what I can eat lots of and what I should be aware of consuming too much of.
I feel have to train myself to *know* the food I am eating at the point I choose to pick it up and put it in my mouth. To be mindful of why I am eating what I am about to munch, is it emotional? habitual? or within my plan for the day? Rather than deal with the issue once the scales go up a few lb. It is time to be pro-active not re-active... I’ll stop there before I start to sound like a self-help book!
I can’t believe how much taking photos of my food is helping me. I look back and don’t feel guilty; I look back and see colour and yum. I have always liked pictures more than words they make the page look pretty depending on how neatly I dished it up!
Lunch - a jacket potato with chicken, chopped tomatoes, mushroom, sweet corn and herbs topped with Feta cheese and a salad on the side.
Dinner – leftover lasagna, left over baked beans and a side salad. Don't know why I had salad twice on such a cold day, I’m thinking of making some soup tomorrow!
PS - I'm having a glass of red wine this evening, I'm still within my syn allowance for the day, I have had a long hard think and can definitely say I don't feel guilty about the wine *grin*