For various reasons (stuff not in stock and forgetfulness) I
have been to two different supermarkets in two days. I really hate going into
those places, I distract myself with the nice sections first... Oh look clothes....
stationary.... music...home ware.... and then I can’t avoid it any longer and I
have to hit the food sections (Cue dramatic music! Well in my head anyway!)
It feels a little silly to say but I have been scared of
food for a long time, how sad it that... I listen to ‘foodie’ people talk passionately
about a recipe and part of me is jealous they get that much pleasure from the
whole experience preparing, cooking and eating. I just go into a bit of a spiral
of ‘but what about that bit? Can you use that? Isn’t that bad?’ etc. Which in
the past has made preparing meals a hellish task, but I am getting more excited
about it now, especially as I feel I am beginning to really understand what ‘good’
and ‘bad’ food is. Yes ok I know food isn’t really good and bad it’s all about moderation
but you’re in my head now and this is how it works. I have grouped food as ‘good/bad’
for as long as I remember but my grouping system is another highly
dysfunctional rule. I have the obvious ones Apple = good and Chocolate = bad.
But I tried to make them absolute rules and then things get confusing and made no
sense to me. I hated it when things got messed up like Apple = good, but Apple
pie = bad.
But my ‘good/bad’ rules got worse over the years as I began
to define my rules of good and bad from others behaviour. The people I met,
what I saw them eat and their body shapes and comparing to mine. Now my body
image is totally screwed I have been pulled up many times by saying I am the
same body shape/size as someone only to have whoever I am talking to go ‘What?
You are nothing like them’ So this is another screwed perspective to add to the
list, and this one is proving harder to fix as although I know what I see in the
mirror is not what you might see... well.... are you sure? It’s not that I
think my family and friends are lying, it’s just the two images really don’t match
up.
Before I continue, I want to really make the point I am not
passing judgement on others and what they eat and how they live their life. I realise
that it’s going to sound judgemental no matter what I type here as at the end
of the day I am comparing myself to others and well.... most people would see
that as a judgement. It is more like I am looking around and going I don’t like
that haircut or that hair colour, I’m not saying short spiky blue hair is wrong
– I’m saying I don’t want short spiky blue hair (quietly prays I haven’t just
offended any people with short blue spiky hair!)
Where was I before all that.. Oh yeah *deep breath*
Supermarkets. Once inside a supermarket I constantly scan others trolleys the
rule as always been if I see an overweight person with something in their
trolley that I have in my trolley I take it out. Now I suppose there was some
level of logic if their trolley is full of chocolate cakes but far more often
than not they would have something like a bag of salad. So my screwed up
thought process now wants me to take the salad out of the trolley... but salad
is good... but that person is over-weight... but but... At the other end of the
scale I see a thin person with nothing but a chocolate cake and an apple in
their trolley suddenly I feel a surge of excitement as this person must know
the secret to healthy eating look at them they look great! They have invented
the chocolate cake and apple diet! You can see why it used to take me hours to
do the shopping!!
I constantly judge myself against
others and no matter who they are and what size they are I will find something
that I am unable to live up to and put myself down for. I know no one is
perfect * but where as I am happy to accept that others are not perfect,
applying that to myself is a little harder. Did I say little harder? It’s a lot
harder, one of the hardest parts of this challenge
However things are changing, this week I noticed I didn’t go
off my shopping list once. I stayed focused and I didn’t look in others
trolleys (apart from the one that had a very cute toddler going ‘chaaarge’ in
it!) I didn’t go down aisles I didn’t need stuff from and I got to the checkout
and felt happy about everything on the conveyer belt. Another good step for me,
it was also quicker, less stressful and less stressful. So maybe supermarkets don’t
have to be that bad.
Oh and before I go....Lovely hubby has hidden the bathroom
scales today. I admit I had one last quick weigh this morning but that was it
and as I am missing group this week in order to see my counsellor so I won’t
know what impact my healthy eating is having on me for another nine days. I am
feeling very anxious about that, it is the longest I have gone without weighing
myself in approximately 18 years. Crumbs. I just need to remember to trust the
system and know what I am eating....
*Except maybe the girl who invented the chocolate cake and
apple diet!
I'm still getting a buzz out of getting to the checkout and seeing a trolley that is about 50% fruit and veg and has no syns in it at all, after so many years where it was almost entirely cheese, ready meals, bread and booze.
ReplyDeleteYou know you can only miss 6 weeks a year for free as holidays under SW rules? You don't get kicked out or anything, but any more than 6 and you have to pay for those weeks even if you don't go as an incentive to keep going.
You can weigh-in, and stay to Image Therapy too, at any group nationwide though. I would stick your postcode into the SW website and look for other groups nearby and try and weigh-in at least somewhere if possible, especially this early on, as it does really help you get into the habit of the plan.